Why Leaders Need to Speak a Love Language That Connects (& Free Assessment)

Have you ever been saved from a major leadership blunder or mistake that could have cost you relational capital you couldn’t afford to lose? If so, this Tipping Point and accompanying free assessment is for you.



In a recent Tipping Point  I conveyed that LOVE is the Most Powerful Influence Ingredient a Leader Can Possess

The passages that were referenced (Matthew 22:37-39; John 13:34-35; & 1 Timothy 1:5) leave no budge room. For those who claim to be disciples of Jesus , love MUST be a hallmark of our leadership brand.

The Culver’s franchise owner highlighted in that post provides for us a stirring example of some of the ways a Christ-like, sacrificial love can be displayed.

This week I would like to share a tangible tool that you can utilize to learn how to speak a leadership love language that is guaranteed not only to influence, but to transform those you are privileged to serve.

What is a Leadership Love Language?

Many of you reading this may be familiar with Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. If not check them out here.

Chapman asserts that every husband and wife each have predominant ways they prefer to give and receive love. He further suggests that if a husband (for example) does not know and speak his wife’s love language that she will not feel like she is loved or cherished in the way she desires or deserves.

I can vouch for this myself–big time! Three years into my marriage I was working hard to show how much I loved my wife, Ilona, by cleaning the kitchen, helping to wash clothes, etc.

By Chapman’s definition, I was speaking the Acts of Service love language. The problem was, however, the message wasn’t connecting with my wife as loudly as I was speaking it because her love language (which we discovered from reading Chapman’s book) was Physical Touch.

She grew up in a very demonstrative family where hugs and other physical touches of affirmation were regularly doled out. I didn’t. This discovery dramatically changed our marriage.

Here’s the deal. A true love and care that connects must be spoken in a way that a another person really gets or is meaningful to him/her, not to you.

Carl Sutter, one of my Pastors from Foundations Church in Loveland, CO (in a recent sermon series entitled “Real Love”, based on the 5 Love Languages and other Scriptural principles – available here on video for free) called this the Platinum Rule.

You most likely have heard of the “Golden Rule” based on Jesus’ teaching: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The “Platinum Rule” takes into account this principle, with the Apostle Paul’s add-on:

“…each one of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the interests of others.” ~ Phil. 2:4

In other words a love language that connects is not just about what we think would be meaningful but by about what others would define as meaningful.

A Leadership Love Language takes these principles and applies them to the work environment.

Why Should Leaders Learn Such a Language?

In summary, learning and speaking the love languages of those you lead in your work environment will:

  • Display the love and light of Jesus with dazzling brilliance. Remember LOVE is a brand of the follower of Christ.
  • Cause greater loyalty and dramatically increase the longevity of your employees, colleagues, board members, or the key volunteers you seek to influence.
  • Create a positive and pleasant work culture that values each person’s unique contributions and will yield tremendous teamwork and productivity.
  • Transform the lives of individuals and develop them as people and not just the broader culture or your workplace.

Further it could save you from a major leadership blunder, mistake, or from losing relational capital that you’ve gained. 

Consequently, in this post I would like to share with you the simple Leadership Love Languages Assessment Tool KWM has developed and is used with our Kingdom Leadership Council (KLC) group members.

The Leadership Love Languages Assessment Tool lists the top 10 ways leaders can show staff, employees, board members, volunteers, etc. that they are cared for, highly valued and affirmed and includes things such as praise (public or private), adequate training, access, extra personal time, financial perks, etc.

The idea is not for the leader to discern the top 2-3 traits that would be most meaningful to the individuals or team members he leads, but to utilize the assessment to gain their feedback directly.

I first started using a rough version of this tool to the people who reported directly to me prior to serving with Kingdom Way. Jon (we’ll call him) was one of the first I used it with.

When Jon first came on staff I met with him every week as a way to share my heart, my vision, values, philosophy, etc. with him. Conversely, I really wanted to get to know Jon and be a part of his development in any way God might allow me to.

Things were going very well. So well, in fact, I was considering moving our regular meeting times to once a month instead of each week. Man am I glad I sought to better discover what his Leadership Love Languages were through gaining his feedback through the use of this tool!

When I asked Jon to identify the top 2 love languages (of the 10 listed) that he would value the most from me, guess which one topped his circled choices? If you guessed ACCESS, you guessed right!

More than anything, Jon deeply valued that weekly connect time with me, and I was just about to squash one of the things he cherished most by suggesting to move our meetings to once a month, instead of weekly.

I’m so glad I discovered his workplace love language before making that decision. Though it’s been several years since we served together, Jon is one of my most valued prayer partners and is still a good friend. My life was deeply impacted by those times together, and I believe his was too.

I want you to know that I deeply care for each of you, and desperately desire for each of you to become better followers of Christ and better influencers for Him and his kingdom. Learning how to sacrificially speak the love languages of others is crucial to that.

So I hope you will download this free resource (complete with instructions) and give it a try. If you find it helpful I would love it if you would take the time to share your story with me, forward it onto others in your sphere of influence, and encourage them to subscribe to Tipping Points here.

Lord bless and Seek to Make Him Famous!


  • What would you say is your top Leadership Love Language from this assessment and why?

Please leave your comments and/or share your response through one of your favorite social media outlet tabs below.